Wednesday, 23 January 2013

A new opportunity for Prince Harry, Sergei Yesenin, Boris Yeltsin and other party animals

Here in Moscow, Prince Harry is in the news.

Harry is the son of the late Diana, Princess of Wales, the ‘Peoples Princess’ and of....well.....….he does not show any signs of Prince Charles - ness, as his older brother William obviously does - you know, that well meaning but not quite comprehending smile, the patronising grimace upon hearing of the suffering of his subjects.
No, Prince Harry is a ‘Peoples Prince’, he likes drinking and dropping his trousers, he likes shooting bad guys that do bad things to our guys, he wants to take them ‘out of the game’, he wants to be young and free and live on state benefits at taxpayers’ expense, just like other ordinary young people in Britain - no wonder the British people love him, he’s one of them, he wants to play video war games from his helicopter and bone a babe when he comes down.
But the future of the Monarchy in Britain is uncertain - the country keeps trying to cut its budget, and let’s face it, like the Royal Navy, sooner or later it won’t be able to afford it, especially the live it up on the razzle version represented by Harry - and he’s the only one we really like.
William and Kate are boring, so square they are cubes, and their honeymoon, desperately extended by the tabloid press, can’t last much longer, despite the forthcoming princess.
(They are anxious to change the law so that she can take over when William has shuffled off)

So what can Harry do - a guy has to drink, after all, and party.

The answer is Russia.

The family connection is well known : the Romanov’s and Windsors are two names for the same family. They straddle Britain, Germany and Russia.

Look at this happy family photograph taken not long ago.

And let’s consider other things that link the two nations.

Harry has just returned from Afghanistan, just as many Russian boys did many years ago.
( and many did not )
Just like them, he is convinced he killed some bad guys, although he admits he can’t be sure that they were all bad guys, because he was a long way away from them in his helicopter.
And just like the Soviet army, despite the good work done of killing bad guys, Harry and his army will soon be home, leaving Afghanistan as they found it, except with more rubble than before.

The connections are deep in the hearts of both peoples.

Russia’s most popular poet was a Harry from the last century - his name was Sergei Esenin  ( 1895 - 1925 ) : a self confessed hooligan, a spectacular drunk, a serial adulterer, bi-sexual or gay, but anyway a swinger, good looking and totally irresistible to women, even if he did beat them up once he’d married them for their money.
He was a loveable rogue, just like Harry, but he was a fabulous poet, so they loved him, and they still love him very much, even though he committed suicide at the age of thirty.
He had another source of appeal too - he was from a peasant and rustic background, and  the combination of this with an early suicide is irresistible to the Russian psyche.

Now if Harry could only write a poem, or show a talent for more than putting his foot in his mouth or dropping his trousers, the Russians might fall in love with him too.

After all, Harry may have a posh Mum, but we suspect that his Dad was of plebeian origin.
What’s more, although he has shown no sign yet of poetic talent, like Esenin, he’s a babe magnet, and he has a kind of poetry of dance which he revealed in Las Vegas, sans pantalons.

Perhaps one can say that his life itself is a poem?

The moment for Harry may be ripening - Russian politics are brooding with uncertainty.

And people everywhere yearn for the kind of certainty that monarchy can represent, particularly the ‘Peoples’ Prince’ kind of Monarchy.

Why do you think the hopeless Windsors have managed to hang on for so long in Britain?

As The Soviet Union collapsed, Russia toyed with restoring the Czardom.

But the scheme collapsed - they chose a young boy Gregori Romanov who was destined to be a sober square, and he has fulfilled that promise.

Russians, like the British, like a drink and they like a drinker.

Perhaps they booted out Gorbachev because of his anti - alcohol programme?

Closing distilleries, pulling up vineyards and making it illegal to get a drink before 2pm, let alone banning alcohol at official receptions, is the equivalent in Russia of a long political  suicide note.

Boris Yeltsin came dancing in to rescue Russia from Gorbachev’s Prohibition, and boy could Boris drink.

For a little while, until he lost it completely, Boris was very popular.

Have a look at this - Boris and Harry could almost be twinned, like a town in Britain might be to a town in Russia.

Now, the Russians’ have got another sober square running the show, and they are not entirely happy.

A Party Prince could be just what Vladimir Putin needs to win back the hearts of his people.

Harry, sign up to and get started on the Russian lessons.

Catherine the Great was a German, and so are you really, and she couldn’t speak Russian when she started out on the job.

Orthodoxy, Autocracy and Nationality, the slogan of Nicholas 1st and the subsequent Czars, makes for easy work for you, Harry.

You will be the Father of all the Russians, and you will let them have their fun, as long as they let you have yours.

Is there a better job?

Keep an eye on the guards though.

Otherwise the early exit overlap with the great poet Esenin may kick in, which would be a shame.


  1. Nice piece.

    '[Harry] is a babe magnet.' I wonder why. Reminds me of the question Mrs Merton asked Debbie McGee all those years ago. "What first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?"

  2. Well spotted, there is a universal truth in Mrs Merton's observation, and Craig Cash and she are comedic geniuses which means knowing human nature perfectly - but a perfect babe magnet from a babe point of view looks good too and suggests a certain competence in the theatre of sex, which in consultation with my intimate partner, he, Harry, has.
    It's perhaps human nature to want to feel that there is someone up there, or out there, who does actually know what's going on. Hence God. Unfortunately, there is not, but that is a conclusion that most folk can't accept, and Kings and Queens are part of the fairy tale wish that we all probably have for the idea that someone is in charge and knows what's going on. I don't, do you?